I've been trying to find funding for my (unpaid) summer internship at the Victoria and Albert in London and I came across this wonderful opportunity. If you have a few minutes (and/or still check on my blog) feel free to leave comments -- I'd love to hear your thoughts!
Lots of love, Mags
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Essay submitted for the Charles R. Ullman & Associates Scholarship, 2013. www.divorcelawnc.com
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It’s Not What You Say, It’s How You Say It: Miscommunication as a Product of the Heart
While many experts believe that open communication provides a foundation for a strong marriage, I would argue that its role is even more imperative. It is not only the foundation upon which a marriage must be built, but it is also the infrastructure that holds it together. Communication acts as both an asset when present and a liability when absent. However, communication cannot be valued as an end in itself; a more tangible goal ought to be regarded as the end to which a matrimonial relationship strives. Indeed, the purpose of marriage ought to be to grow in one’s ability to consider their spouse’s needs as more significant than their own, and to seek their spouse’s wellbeing even at the expense of their own. Communication is, of course, the tool by which the needs of another human being can be ascertained and, consequently, be valued and protected.
Even if communication is the reason for which couples are getting divorced, they are attributing it to the various manifestations of miscommunication rather than miscommunication itself. In the recent Huffington Post article “Divorce Causes: 5 Marriage Mistakes That Lead To Divorce,” one cause listed is a change in priorities or values (Olver). It seems more likely, however, that the values have not changed but hitherto have not been adequately expressed. For an individual seeking matrimony, the attainment of romantic love is a high-ranking value, overshadowing other values temporarily. Moreover, the lengths to which such an individual is willing to bend to attain love further obscures his or her actual values. In the past decade, social media has enabled this almost indefinitely. Individuals are encouraged to self-select the persona they wish to put forth, oftentimes the most universally appealing version of themselves. The pictures posted are filtered – subjects do not have food in their teeth or tangles in their hair; they are posed (composed) in front of some idyllic background. Their biographies speak of under-the-radar coffeehouses, travelling, timeless literature, and good jazz. There is no mention of snoring, terrible driving, or lazing around on Saturdays. In an effort to present themselves as someone who can appeal to almost anyone, they communicate an inauthentic version of themselves that is perhaps not revealed until the third date, engagement, or the sixth year of marriage. Therefore, for some couples, a breakdown in communication is actually a realization that previous communication was not entirely genuine.
This theory covers those who have dated, been engaged or married within the era of social media. Those who were married fifteen or forty years ago did not have such dangerous opportunities to misrepresent themselves. If there is any miscommunication in these longer-standing relationships, it points to an underlying issue of unexpressed respect. It is unproductive to cure the symptom of miscommunication without addressing the disease of respect. In marriage, it is not enough to guard against disrespect; each party must intentionally reassure and be reassured of respect. One mode of engendering respect is for one to listen more than try to express his or her own sentiments. Such an attitude reflects that the listener considers their spouse’s interests as more important than their own. This actively-expressed respect is the criteria for successful communication.
According to a study conducted by National Survey of Families and Households (Rampell), there is a direct correlation between disagreements (particularly financial) and divorce. If, however, each spouse attempts to show selflessness in their communication, each will have the opportunity to be reasonable with the other. The heat of the moment is diffused by mutual respect and submissiveness. If respect and servitude are continually cultivated in a relationship, a breakdown in communication becomes less likely and less damaging. From opposing views on parenting to determining an appropriate budget, the knowledge that each spouse wants to understand and honor the other’s opinion is a powerful and an essential part of marriage.
If respect is attentively pursued in a marriage, then preventing failure in communication becomes more of a convenience rather than a requirement. The easiest way to prevent such failures is to ensure that the preponderance of communication is face to face rather than through cyber space. According to the beloved matchmaker, Hitch (Tennant), “Sixty percent of all human communication is nonverbal. Body language. Thirty percent is your tone. So that means that ninety percent of what you’re saying ain’t coming out of your mouth.” Even if this data is disputable, it does attest to the role that attitude plays as part of communication, and indirectly shows the harms of “efficient” communication, namely texting and email. No matter how many lighthearted abbreviations a message might contain, text-based conversations can easily be misinterpreted. Though more commonly criticized for the havoc it wreaks in the lives of gossipy teenagers, married couples are not exempt from damaging miscommunication through poorly phrased and emotionally deprived messages.
Divorce, arguably, cannot be attributed to failure in communication; instead, it occurs when participants in marriage fail to strive for effective communication and other manifestations of respect. If a husband or wife is not willing to invest twenty minutes to meet their spouse in person, five to give them a phone call, or ten seconds to ensure that a text message cannot be misinterpreted for the worse then the marriage has little hope of salvation. Other leading factors in divorce, like sexual infidelity, addictions, and changes in priorities (Rampell), stem from, or are tangentially related to, communication or lack thereof. Talking about such complications may be awkward, but couples choose to be united in matrimony for a reason – marriage joins together two individuals, whose union should make them stronger as one united entity rather than two, separate. If a couple accepts this understanding of marriage, the effort it requires to cultivate an atmosphere of respect will be as minimal as the miscommunications that are inevitable in every relationship.
Works Cited
Olver, K. (2013, March 7). Divorce causes: 5 marriage mistakes that lead to divorce. Breaking News and Opinion on The Huffington Post. Retrieved April 10, 2013, from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/03/06/divorce-causes-5-marriage_n_2785438.html
Rampell, C. (2009, December 7). Money fights predict divorce rates - NYTimes.com. The Economy and the Economics of Everyday Life - Economix Blog - NYTimes.com. Retrieved April 13, 2013, from http://economix.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/12/07/money-fights-predict-divorce-rates/
Tennant, A. (Director). (2005). Hitch [Motion picture]. United States: Columbia Pictures.
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Essay submitted for the Charles R. Ullman & Associates Scholarship Competition, 2013, www.divorcelawnc.com
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